Marie and Pierre shake their heads. Marie sighs first.\n\n"We love a good Polonium or Thorium pun. But humans cannot X-Ray people. Where would the X-Ray be?"\n\nPierre agrees, stonefaced.\n\n"Why would you say something like that? Where is the X?"\n\nThey sigh and stop rubbing Uranium lotion on your ears.\n\nThis date is over—you don't need an X-Ray to see that.\n\n''THE END''
"Really?" Tesla says. "You think it's beautiful?"\n\n"It looks so hard and scratchy. And that's how I like them."\n\nTesla sighs.\n\n"I should be going. I've been here a full fifteen minutes. If I don't get back to work soon, I'll have done only about 20 hours of research today."\n\nYou're smart enough to push.\n\n"Let's work together."\n\nTesla drinks deeply. His beautiful mustache is soaked in milk.\n\n"I can't believe it. I've met someone who is kind, has at least three dollars to buy milk, and is willing to work instead of socialize. I think I'm in love!"\n\nYou'll have the perfect report for BRIANS. But you can't write it now—you're too busy smooching a genius.\n\n''THE END''\n
A hostess greets you as soon as you enter the door.\n\n"Welcome to Applebee's. How many in your party?"\n\n"Uh, I think I'm supposed to meet Albert Einstein here?"\n\n"Sure," the hostess says, "he's in his usual booth."\n\nShe leads you through the maze-like interior of the Applebee's to Albert, who is settled into his booth.\n\n"Welcome to the neighborhood." He laughs. "You see, that used to be their slogan."\n\nYou sit across from him.\n\n"So, do you want to talk about relativity or something?"\n\nEinstein opens the menu wide.\n\n"Listen, I have a test for you if we're gonna chill together."\n\nYou try to remember everything you can about theoretical physics. Einstein slams the menu on the table.\n\n"Riblet basket or half rack of ribs. Which one do you get?"\n\nThe choice seems like it will make or break your date.\n\n*//<<choice "You choose the riblet basket.">>//\n*//<<choice "You choose the half rack of ribs.">>//
It's Friday night, and you know what that means: Lab Time!\n\nYou put on your sexiest lab coat and head to the lab for a pleasurable night of beaker cleaning. Is any perfume better than the scent of cleaning solution?\n\nAs soon as you enter, however, a mysterious man stops you. You've never spoken to him before, and his strange facial hair and unusual accent intimidate you. But something about him is compelling.\n\n"Come with me," he croaks. "I have a special experiment for you."\n\n*//<<choice "You follow the man to his experiment.">>//\n*//<<choice "You decide to clean beakers instead, even though it will almost certainly be less interesting than a night with the strange man.">>//
You enter the room to find a beautiful bamboo building, arrayed with pristine art and stainless steel appliances. In the center sits Jane Goodall, enjoying a hot pot of tea and beckoning you to sit.\n\n"I've been informed we are going to go on a date," she says. "I must first provide you with some ground rules."\n\nYou nod as she pours you a fresh cup.\n\n"First," she says, "I must inform you that I am so tired of talking about chimpanzees. I am a complex, well-rounded person who has traveled the world." \n\nShe hands you the creamer with uncommon grace. \n\n"It's a cliche plundered by everyone from The Far Side to The Simpsons. I contain multitudes. Please respect that, and we shall have a wonderful time together."\n\nWhat do you talk about first?\n\n*//<<choice "You decide to talk about chimpanzees a little to break the ice.">>//\n*//<<choice "You discuss the legacy of colonialism in Africa.">>//
Pierre scowls.\n\n"A lead vest? That doesn't sound fashionable."\n\nMarie agrees.\n\n"That would ruin the X-Ray. How would you feel the sweet tingle of X?"\n\n"Yeah," Pierre says. "What about the X?"\n\nThey banish you from the table. You don't even get an X-Ray to go.\n\n''THE END''\n
"But why?" you ask. "Why dates?"\n\nThe man smiles. \n\n"Thanks to BRIANS, we have brains. But we don't know how to unlock their scientific genius. If we can understand what might seduce these scientists, we can understand how they unlocked the secrets of the universe."\n\n"So by seducing them, we can see how their brains work?"\n\n"These are the brains BRIANS wants. We've put each scientist in a simulated environment they're most comfortable in. They're all hooked up to neuro-transmitters."\n\n"So what do I do?"\n\nHe arches his eyebrow.\n\n"You need to get a single kiss. That will be enough. Are you ready?"\n\nYou swallow air and nod. Five doors are in front of you. Which one do you choose?\n\n*//<<choice "Clubbing With Tesla">>//\n*//<<choice "Coffee With The Curies">>//\n*//<<choice "In the Forest With Goodall">>//\n*//<<choice "Einstein and Applebee's">>//\n*//<<choice "Aristotle's Bath">>//
Industrial music plays overhead, but the club is almost empty except for you and a shadowy figure across the room. \n\nTesla. And the music just changed to dubstep.\n\nHe has a mustache and a grin. You must woo him.\n\nWhat do you do?\n\n*//<<choice "Start grinding with Tesla.">>//\n*//<<choice "Buy Tesla a drink.">>//
Tesla smiles when you bring him a warm glass of milk.\n\n"My favorite!" he shouts over the music. "I haven't bought a single drink tonight."\n\n"Big day tomorrow?"\n\n"No, I don't have any money."\n\nYou feel nervous, but press on. Tesla's mustache looks beautiful in this light. But you also want to show him some of your patented dance moves. What do you say next?\n\n*//<<choice "Tell Tesla his mustache looks like the most beautiful Brillo pad you've ever seen.">>//\n*//<<choice "Offer to show him your patented dance moves.">>//
You're nervous, but you strut out to the floor and yell to Tesla.\n\n"Look at this!"\n\nYou look amazing, twisting and shining under the black lights. \n\nTesla claps and is amazed. When you return, his eyes are gleaming.\n\n"That was glorious!" he cries. "What do you call that?"\n\n"That's just one of my patented dance moves—"\n\nTesla's face turns pale. \n\n"What? What did you just say?"\n\n"I just said that these are my patented dance moves."\n\nTesla snaps. The music turns off and the lights come on.\n\n"Patents stole my livelihood. You probably stole that move as well."\n\nYou try to protest, but Tesla won't listen. He's found a piece of cardboard in the middle of the floor and seems determined to practice his breakdancing. Alone.\n\n''THE END''
"A riblet basket looks cheaper," you tell Einstein.\n\nHe does not look happy. You notice he's already collected a stack of wet naps next to his plate.\n\n"You fool. The riblet basket is too small! It doesn't fill you up! And half the time you end up cutting through the paper they give you. A plate is so much better."\n\n"Einstein, really, I had no idea-"\n\n"Get away from me."\n\nYou leave the Applebee's in shame.\n\n''THE END''\n
After about five minutes, Jane yawns.\n\n"I must say, something about this topic of discussion fails to excite me." \n\nIn the rafters of the building, you see a chimpanzee hop from one beam to another.\n\n"Pleasure meeting you, however," Jane says and shows you the door.\n\nYou have failed to woo the great primatologist.\n\n''THE END''
As soon as you open the door, a beautiful Parisian cafe appears. The scientists at BRIANS have thought of everything. The only problem? Both Curies are at the table.\n\nYou leave the cafe and rush back to the lab. The mysterious man smiles.\n\n"Confused?"\n\n"Which one do I seduce?"\n\n"The genius of the Curies comes in pairs. We need you to seduce them both."\n\nDaunted, you go through the door again and sit down across from Marie and Pierre. They are laughing and Pierre touches your arm.\n\n"Settle our little quarrel, friend. Aren't X-Rays a fun way to wake up? My wife thinks they are better before bed."\n\nThe pressure's on. You have to give the right answer. \n\n*//<<choice "Tell them that you should wear lead vests when getting an X-Ray.">>//\n*//<<choice "Say it's too hard to decide between the two, so you have an X-Ray twice a day.">>//\n\n\n\n
You woo Aristotle, but he casts you away.\n\n"Your romance is scientifically accurate. But I respond to earthy temptations and work. Nothing more!"\n\n"I can give you earthy temptations. Please."\n\n"Alas, I must continue soaking in the air until it grows thirsty again."\n\nYou leave Aristotle and return to the lab to try again.\n\n''THE END''
"So in summary," you say after a well-worded paragraph about the shortcomings of Godard, "I think that the French project invigorated Hollywood but, in the process, drained its own creative energies."\n\nJane taps the table.\n\n"Film. You know, I really enjoyed Planet of The Apes. And Congo. And that movie about Koko. And Dunston Takes Manhattan was marvelous. But French film? I just don't know if this is working..."\n\nYou leave the hut and return to the lab, having failed at your task.\n\n''THE END''
You shrug.\n\n"I suppose it is complicated, right?"\n\nAristotle laughs.\n\n"I would not expect a simple mind like yours to comprehend it! Indeed, the vapor is a result of the air's humor moistening, because its thirst is slaked."\n\n"Uh, totally."\n\nHe hits the marble.\n\n"Come sit by me, so that our sounds need not travel such distances."\n\nYou chat with Aristotle and he lights up when you mention the properties of magnetism.\n\n"Indeed, I discovered how such phenomena occur. Do you know how?"\n\n*//<<choice "After thinking about it, you remember the basics of electromagnetic theory and share them.">>//\n*//<<choice "You choose to grab Aristotle's thigh.">>//\n
"Fantastic!" Marie shouts as she pulls a glowing green stick from her bag. "I find that Radium gives coffee a special kick."\n\nPierre is distracted as he rubs a cream all over his body. His skin makes a strange pulsing noise.\n\n"Uranium lotion is the best!"\n\nSlowly, you sip your radioactive coffee and stare as Pierre sweats. He notices you looking.\n\n"Here, we will make sure you get oiled up."\n\nPierre and Marie both rub Uranium lotion all over your body. Things are going well. But now you have to take it to the next level.\n\n*//<<choice "Offer to X-Ray them...by taking off their clothes.">>//\n*//<<choice "Offer to X-Ray them...by X-Raying them.">>//
"I know about animal magnetism," you say as you grab his fleshy leg. \n\nAristotle presses his hand atop yours.\n\n"You do understand science. Why don't you sit on my lap."\n\nYou climb upon his lap, covered in steam and feeling slightly awkward about being naked. This is the moment you must seduce the great thinker. What do you say?\n\n*//<<choice "I orbit around you like the sun orbits the earth.">>//\n*//<<choice "I want to clean beakers with you.">>//
"In fact," you conclude, "all of Hispanola fascinates me!"\n\nJane gets up from the couch. A chimpanzee cries in the distance. Jane looks at you with pity.\n\n"May I be honest with you?"\n\n"Of course," you say, "whatever you like."\n\n"I'm not certain what the problem is, but something isn't clicking. I can't put my finger on what it is, but there's just something missing from our little chat."\n\n"Just give me a chance," you plea. "We can talk about the possibilities of NGOs, or the frontiers of Physics, or postmodernism in rap!"\n\n"Goodbye," Jane says and leads you out. "If only we'd talked about something interesting..."\n\n''THE END''
The taste of wine is fresh in your mouth and you surge ahead.\n\n"Chimpanzees are so smart. They're pretty much better than humans."\n\nJane smiles.\n\n"I have some very compelling evidence to that effect. Let me share it."\n\nAs you chat, you open another bottle of wine and snuggle closer. She calls out and a chimpanzee appears, seemingly from nowhere, with a camera in hand.\n\n"This is Arbus, one of the first chimps to have a gallery showing of his photography."\n\nYou squeeze Jane's firm shoulder.\n\n"Why is Arbus here?"\n\n"Because I want him to capture this moment."\n\n"What moment?"\n\n"The moment I fell in love."\n\nYou have the perfect report for BRIANS. Chimpanzees unlock Jane Goodall's potential. \n\nBut right now, you're busy smiling for the camera as Jane plants a deep kiss on your flushed cheek.\n\n''THE END''
Einstein smiles.\n\n"I like the way you think. More ribs, am I right?"\n\n"Wait, should you be eating pork?"\n\n"Listen, I've figured that I'm a clone with his brain hooked up to neurotransmitters. I'm in a restaurant that didn't exist until its founding in 1980, when I was already dead. If I want ribs, I'm getting ribs. Plus the fries are killer."\n\nThe waitress comes by and spends two or three minutes detailing the drink menu. \n\n"Something you guys might like to try is the Main St.'Rita Swirl. It's got Sauza Gold and comes in Strawberry Mango or Wildberry Mango flavors. You can get it in Mucha size, too!"\n\nEinstein wants you to lead.\n\n*//<<choice "You tell the waitress to stop pushing the margarita so hard.">>//\n*//<<choice "You order two Main St. 'Rita Swirls in Strawberry Mango.">>//
Steam fills a large room. You're in ancient baths, but there's only one other person inside.\n\nIt's Aristotle, in the flesh.\n\nYou disrobe and greet with a hug. Things seem to be going well already. As you sit across from Aristotle, he strokes his beard.\n\n"Steam is amazing, is it not? Do you know how it is created?"\n\nYou smile, since you know a little about the science of water. Still, it is daunting to tell the great scientist how it works.\n\n*//<<choice "You tell Aristotle that steam is actually water.">>//\n*//<<choice "You stall and tell Aristotle that steam is difficult to understand.">>//\n\n
"Do you think I am a fool!" the man shouts. "I know you're going to clean beakers."\n\nYou stumble over your words.\n\n"I promise, I didn't want to."\n\nHis hands trembling, the man grabs the most beautiful beaker you've ever seen and casts it upon the floor.\n\n"Clean this!" he shouts.\n\nWeeping, you fall to your knees and try to collect the pieces of broken glass—and your broken heart.\n\n''THE END''\n
"I'm having a blast," you tell Einstein. "Should we get another drink? And maybe each get a Strawberry Cheesecake Dessert Shooter?"\n\nEinstin squeezes your hand.\n\n"Exactly! We can party late right here. Applebee's is a family restaurant and a bar for adult fun. It's the best of both worlds! And many locations are open until midnight. Some even later."\n\n"Does it sound like a plan, Albert?"\n\nHe gives you a big, wet kiss.\n\n"While we were kissing, I discovered a Euler brick whose space diagonal is also an integer."\n\nYou know he'll explain it in detail soon, and you can't wait to tell BRIANS about your work. Applebee's unlocks Einstein's genius.\n\nBut for now, you have a hunk to kiss.\n\n''THE END''
"Listen," you say, "take it easy on the sales pitch. Can we have a couple of minutes? I just got here."\n\nThe waitress leaves and Einstein is shaking his head.\n\n"Don't be a jerk. It's not like Ann wants to do that."\n\n"Who is Ann?"\n\n"Our waitress, duh. Corporate makes them do that and, for your information, those Main Street 'Rita Swirls are amazing."\n\n"I'm sorry, we can order them if you like."\n\n"I think you should go instead. We don't need to continue this."\n\nYou leave in failure just as the football game comes on. \n\n''THE END''
You grab a bottle of fine wine and unscrew the cork.\n\n"But seriously," you say, "chimpanzees. They're pretty interesting, aren't they?"\n\nHer face brightens.\n\n"I actually have an interesting story about chimpanzees!"\n\nShe regales you for another hour and you finish the wine as she shares a long tale about a chimpanzee named "Bobo Lawrence, Junior."\n\n"Not to be confused with Bobo Lawrence, Senior!" she says with a laugh. "Shall we move to the couch?"\n\nThis is it—you've almost seduced the world's top primatologist. You just have to seal the deal.\n\n*//<<choice "You decide to ask her about chimpanzees again.">>//\n*//<<choice "You go in for the kill with an observation about the evolution of literature in and about Haiti.">>//
"So basically," you conclude, "that's how magnets work."\n\nAristotle glares through the mist.\n\n"Do you take me for a fool? Like attracts like. Iron knows other iron is near and seeks to breed with it."\n\n"I don't think that's-"\n\n"Out! I cannot consort with such base minds."\n\nYou leave the baths, your palms already wrinkled.\n\n''THE END''
"Wonderful!" Marie shouts. "You are an intelligent person."\n\n"And attractive," Pierre says. Marie looks at him and a dangerous smile plays across her face. \n\nYou're doing well. But you have to keep going to seduce the Curies. The waiter pops by with your coffee, and you have to decide how to bring the Curies closer.\n\nWhat do you do?\n\n*//<<choice "Dress the coffee yourself and ask about their favorite bands.">>//\n*//<<choice "Ask Marie and Pierre to dress it for you.">>//
"Of course," you say with a laugh. "It's from water. Just like ice is. I'm sure you could say it better."\n\nHe slaps his marble seat.\n\n"What? Water? Water does not fly like a spirit! How absurd?"\n\nHe spits upon you.\n\n"Did my spit turn to steam? Leave me here, fool."\n\nYou leave the baths and don't even feel relaxed.\n\n''THE END''\n
You stroke Einstein's hair.\n\n"Let's go party somewhere. What do you say?"\n\nHe flinches.\n\n"I thought that's what we were doing already."\n\n"You know, I meant continue the party. This place probably closes early, right?"\n\n"You always know how to hurt me."\n\n"Albert, please, I didn't mean..."\n\n"No." A tear streams down his face. "I'm staying."\n\n"Then I'll stay too."\n\n"I think you should go."\n\nWobbling out, you leave just as the party starts, wishing you'd made a different choice.\n\n''THE END''
"What the heck," you say as John Mellencamp begins to play overhead. "Let's get two 'Ritas! Strawberry please."\n\nThe waitress smiles.\n\n"I knew you and Al would get that."\n\nEinstein slaps you a high-five from across the booth. Then he asks you to sit next to him.\n\nSide by side, you each have a full rack of double-glazed ribs with a side of fries and coleslaw. Einstein dabs your face with a wetnap. You drink two 'Ritas each and are getting pretty cozy. Einstein smiles with bleary eyes.\n\n"The question is, how do we keep this party going?"\n\nYou know that your date with Einstein depends on your choice.\n\n*//<<choice "You suggest going out to a bar and really partying.">>//\n*//<<choice "You vote to stick around the 'Bee a little longer.">>//\n\n
You follow the man past countless slightly-dirty beakers. You can barely resist the urge to clean them. But you know something exciting awaits.\n\nFinally, you arrive at a new room with many labeled doors. The man speaks.\n\n"The brain is a marvelous thing, is it not?"\n\n"Sure, it's good," you agree. You consider asking if you can sneak off and clean one little beaker, but before you can, the man continues.\n\n"Over the past forty years, the Fake Science Labs has collected some incredible brains. A few were complete samples and others were recreated from tiny DNA samples."\n\nYou wish there could be a little less talking and a little more beaker cleaning, but the man continues.\n\n"We've made perfect clones of them, and even imported their life experiences. The new study is called Biological Research Intelligence Analysis Systems. BRIANS has given us the greatest brains in history. And we've been able to generate full sized clones from them."\n\n"You should consider rearranging your name so the acronym—"\n\n"Silence! Are you with me or not?"\n\nYour hand trembles and you ask a question.\n\n"Sir, do you need beakers for the brains?"\n\n"No," he says. "We need dates."\n\n*//<<choice "After deliberation, you agree to go on a date with one of history's greatest scientists.">>//\n*//<<choice "You choose to tell him you're going to the bathroom, when in reality you sneak off to clean beakers.">>//
"Aristotle, honestly, I wish we could clean beakers."\n\nAristotle touches your arm.\n\n"What are these...beakers of which you speak?"\n\n"They are glass containers. They hold things for experiments. But they get dirty. I like to clean them to pass the time."\n\n"I like these...beakers...you tell me about. I like work and I like experiments. But first, one thing."\n\n"What Ari?"\n\n"Kiss me."\n\nAs you sweetly smooch with Aristotle, you realize that the key to his heart is hard work and inaccuracy. \n\nThe BRIANS experts will be pleased—and you and Aristotle will be cleaning beakers together.\n\n''THE END''
You pour cream and sugar into your coffee. Marie doesn't look pleased.\n\n"Cream? Sugar? That isn't very sophisticated."\n\nYou cough nervously.\n\n"What bands do you like?"\n\nPierre is already bored.\n\n"Rubber, I suppose." He calls to the waiter. "Check please!"\n\nYour date is over before it even began.\n\n''THE END''\n\n
You press your body aginst Tesla's as the music plays.\n\nThings start heating up. Quickly.\n\n"What are you doing?" Tesla shouts. You smile coyly.\n\n"Creating electricity."\n\n"Exactly! With the resulting static and the Alternating Current in this room..."\n\nSuddenly, things get warmer. You begin to sweat, which makes you even more conductive.\n\nA zap sounds out.\n\nWhen you regain consciousness, Tesla's sizzled clothes lay next to you. Tesla is no more.\n\n''THE END''
After a sip, you summon the courage to chat.\n\n"So," you say, "chimpanzees. What's up with them, huh?"\n\nAn hour and a half later, Jane has regaled you with a fascinating tale of her immersion in "chimp" culture. You are spellbound by her storytelling, but it's clear she wants you to contribute to the conversation now. \n\nThe teakettle hisses—you've done well so far, but can you continue to impress Jane?\n\n*//<<choice "You offer an observation about chimpanzees.">>//\n*//<<choice "You shift the conversation with a cutting observation about French film.">>//
Pierre and Marie butt heads while trying to kiss you at the same time.\n\n"Perfection!" Pierre cries\n\n"Magnificence!" Marie screams.\n\nThey invite you to come to their home immediately for an intense session of X-Raying, thorium cocktails, and love.\n\nYou can proudly report to BRIANS that the Curies are unlocked by anything and everything radioactive. \n\nBut for now, you're too busy kissing their glowing, gradually mutating lips.\n\n''THE END''