Items Omitted From Fake Science 101

No Cupcakes. None. Fake Science 101 is a new textbook for when the facts are too confusing. It comes out on 8/12. By pre-ordering now, you can get it early, lock in the cheapest price, and improve your life. The book includes the truth about Marie Curie, secrets of the moon landing, and a full page on ferns (you have to sell books somehow). You can see more here. However, we had to leave a few items out from this 272 page volume. Items Omitted From Fake Science 101:

  1. Cupcakes. Sugar is for the weak, knowledge is for the strong.
  2. GIFs. A limitation of paper, unless you flip the pages really quickly.
  3. Poetry. Do we have to explain why?
  4. Cody Einstein. He does great acoustic covers of Supertramp songs, but the book only had room for one Einstein.
  5. Apologies. The terms of our 1972, 1974, and 1994 lawsuits should be enough.
  6. Big numbers. Anything worth examining is smaller that 312.
  7. An explanation of why Sharon, who said she was completely “into us” and “totally excited” about coming to Cabo San Lucas, decided to bail at the last minute due to a “stomach flu,” even when the next day we saw her at a Mexican restaurant with that Jeremy guy from the video store.
  8. Guns, unless you buy the special hollowed-out version of the book, used to store jewels, narcotics, and firearms.
  9. The Coriolis effect. It’s overrated.
  10. Graphic violence and sexuality (violence and sexuality are, however, lovingly described with pages of charts, text, and at least one Connect-The-Dots puzzle).

If you’re still interested, the rest of human knowledge is waiting.

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