Items Omitted From Fake Science 101
Fake Science 101 is a new textbook for when the facts are too confusing. It comes out on 8/12. By pre-ordering now, you can get it early, lock in the cheapest price, and improve your life. The book includes the truth about Marie Curie, secrets of the moon landing, and a full page on ferns (you have to sell books somehow). You can see more here. However, we had to leave a few items out from this 272 page volume. Items Omitted From Fake Science 101:
- Cupcakes. Sugar is for the weak, knowledge is for the strong.
- GIFs. A limitation of paper, unless you flip the pages really quickly.
- Poetry. Do we have to explain why?
- Cody Einstein. He does great acoustic covers of Supertramp songs, but the book only had room for one Einstein.
- Apologies. The terms of our 1972, 1974, and 1994 lawsuits should be enough.
- Big numbers. Anything worth examining is smaller that 312.
- An explanation of why Sharon, who said she was completely “into us” and “totally excited” about coming to Cabo San Lucas, decided to bail at the last minute due to a “stomach flu,” even when the next day we saw her at a Mexican restaurant with that Jeremy guy from the video store.
- Guns, unless you buy the special hollowed-out version of the book, used to store jewels, narcotics, and firearms.
- The Coriolis effect. It’s overrated.
- Graphic violence and sexuality (violence and sexuality are, however, lovingly described with pages of charts, text, and at least one Connect-The-Dots puzzle).
If you’re still interested, the rest of human knowledge is waiting.